What is my obligation?

I had always assumed I’d have an amicable divorce. My wasband and I maintained a friendship of sorts throughout our protracted separation. He’s not a bad guy and he was fighting some bad demons. We remained connected and chatted about the kids, work, families and life in general on a regular basis, even after I asked him to move out. Some of the ways in which I continued to support his career were to remain the primary caregiver of the kids, only asking for help when I really needed it. This worked. He pulled some weight when he could and I was ok with what he offered.

Other ways I offered support were more personal, more unique to him. Battling depression isn’t easy, so I cut him lots of slack and helped when I could. This was more awkward, for both of us, I’m sure. But he was a decent guy, the father of my kids and a friend of nearly two decades.

I was unprepared for what would eventually become a hideous divorce. My sister always said, “if you want to know what someone is really like, divorce them.” I’ve never been sure about this statement. To this day, I can’t bring myself to believe that my wasband is really the guy he became. I’m pretty sure he didn’t wake up every morning thinking, “how can I be ugly today?” But there was ugliness.

Each time an ugly exchange occurred, I was surprised. I continued to believe that he would choose to engage in the positive and purposeful ways that had become our story.

Reflecting on the path of this divorce, I keep asking myself what is my obligation here? There was a time when I believed that obligation was to continue to offer a hand in friendship. Ironically, the divorce was finalized a few days before what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. Feeling freed from the ugliness of the process of the divorce and grateful for that day twenty years earlier when we started on the journey that would lead to two remarkable kids and many shared moments of loveliness, I wrote him a note saying thanks and let’s move on in kind ways.

Whether the wasband read the note or not, I will never know. What I do know is that ugly exchanges continued and a deep sense of mistrust was communicated in every conversation.
What now? What is my obligation? What is the right thing to do here?

Acceptance is an old word, dating back to the mid 16th century. I’ve always thought it was a bit trite and there are some things which should never gain acceptance. That said, it is appropriate here. There are many things worthy of acceptance.

• My life is better, happier, free-er and easier without the wasband. Sure, his loss is felt, by me and by the kids, but when I look around, I accept that we’re all better off.
• His life is better without me. While I was a pretty awesome wife in ways that advance your career and give you time to nap, I was not the wife he ever wanted. And that fact is worth accepting, too. 
• I am a better person as a result of this adversity. I am kinder, more in the moment, more empathetic of people facing challenges and more attune to the needs and desires of others. I also notice when people operate from a place of fear, so I am able to separate the person from the actions and be more of a help. I work harder than I have ever worked and I am more proud of my accomplishments than I have ever been. 
• I don’t get a say in how the wasband sees me. This is a really freeing thing to accept. All the years we were married and all the years we were friends, I felt like I had some sway in his opinion of me. I don’t. It is possible I never did. But he is free to see and believe what he chooses. That is my final gift to him. 

So what is my obligation? I used to think it was to make amends and to fix our friendship so that we could raise the kids collaboratively, which turned out to be a non-starter with the wasband. This was a really hard dream to give up. But it really was just a dream. Instead, I am obligated hope for less ugliness, but respond with kindness when it happens. I am obligated to show empathy - even to the wasband - always. I am obligated to work hard and enjoy the extra work that is the result of my freedom. And I am obligated to allow the wasband to be the person he needs to be and fulfill the obligations he must fulfill.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” This is, perhaps, the easiest obligation of them all. In losing my marriage and friendship with the wasband, I was able to find parts of myself that I had previously neglected. I like the person I am, flawed though I may be.

My blog is mostly about student learning, so if you have made it this far, you are probably wondering what the heck is going on. Learning is messy and hard. To me, it is a joyful process. When humans have to learn things through adversity, the process is less joyful. But the outcomes yield impressive results. Learning through adversity is extra messy and extra hard, but it generates a deep understanding of what matters. And what our obligations are to ourselves and those around us.

Being yourself requires bravery. And letting others be themselves takes bravery, too. We’re obligated to do both.