This week, some ugliness stopped by. As a positive person who strives to see the good in the world, I am always a little surprised when ugliness is directed at others. Perhaps this is naivete on my part. I say and do mean stuff - all people say and do mean stuff. Humans are, after all, flawed.
A few things were difficult about this week's flavor of ugliness, which made it feel even uglier. First, my kids were hurt - both of them individually and on behalf of a person we love. And they both felt powerless to rectify. It also was unexpected. I had assumed that relations with this party were in a better place. There was an element of betrayal - or at least a sense of loyalties that, to me, seemed off. And there was a revelation that the party in question just really doesn't like me at all.
Certainly, others have a right to express their opinions and feelings, but when does that right cross over into an attack? I am not certain that I have an answer - outside of "it depends." When kids at school go off, I am usually able to separate myself from the ugliness. They are kids, after all, and they are powerless to change much about their circumstances. And for them, sometimes just saying the words "I hate this school" or "you are the worst teacher ever" gives them enough power to be able to move on and reset.
Trauma, we know, adds to fear, anxiety and anger that can also lead to ugliness. So is it fair to give folks a pass on ugly exchanges if they have experienced trauma? Probably. Does that mean they are not accountable for fixing a situation? I honestly don't know.
While I do not have answers to these important questions ("I'm a teacher, not a doctor!," is an oft used response when kids ask me things well beyond my expertise), I do know this: in spite of our desire to believe that humans are frail, icky and prone to ugliness, there is abundant evidence to show that they are not.
Even on a day when one is not trying to recover from ugliness, it is possible to see the kindness and care that is extended our way. That 8th grader who sneaks into my math class once a day to say hello - I'm pretty sure he is cutting class, but whatever, I like our visits. That 6th grader who has faced ugliness that I can barely imagine, and yet still has a capacity for joy, hard work and hope - all the time. That boy of mine who calls from college to chat, share, be present and laugh. That other boy of mine who lives in my house, drives me where ever I want to go and is always open to conversation and fun - with everyone. That barber I love who makes time to be together even though we are both crazy busy. That art teacher I work with who has a father-in-law in hospice and still finds a way to kind, productive and funny with others. That neighbor of mine who always invites us over for fellowship. That sister of mine who stands up for what is right and good in the world. That guy who let me in the long line of traffic... The list is very long.
Ugliness exists in the world. It always has and always will. I am fortunate to only experience it occasionally and also very mildly. The ugliness of this week was tame compared to ugliness faced by women in other times, in other places and situations and of different races. This reality sat quite heavily with me.
But ugliness does not have be OUR story. It needn't define who we are and how we feel about others - even those who are ugly towards us. We can choose to be the remedy to ugliness - for ourselves and for others - by recognizing and naming the good we see in the world, by understanding that the ugliness is not often actually about us and by spreading our own flavor of kindness, bravery, appreciation and care to those around us who are also working for a less ugly world.
A few things were difficult about this week's flavor of ugliness, which made it feel even uglier. First, my kids were hurt - both of them individually and on behalf of a person we love. And they both felt powerless to rectify. It also was unexpected. I had assumed that relations with this party were in a better place. There was an element of betrayal - or at least a sense of loyalties that, to me, seemed off. And there was a revelation that the party in question just really doesn't like me at all.
Certainly, others have a right to express their opinions and feelings, but when does that right cross over into an attack? I am not certain that I have an answer - outside of "it depends." When kids at school go off, I am usually able to separate myself from the ugliness. They are kids, after all, and they are powerless to change much about their circumstances. And for them, sometimes just saying the words "I hate this school" or "you are the worst teacher ever" gives them enough power to be able to move on and reset.
Trauma, we know, adds to fear, anxiety and anger that can also lead to ugliness. So is it fair to give folks a pass on ugly exchanges if they have experienced trauma? Probably. Does that mean they are not accountable for fixing a situation? I honestly don't know.
While I do not have answers to these important questions ("I'm a teacher, not a doctor!," is an oft used response when kids ask me things well beyond my expertise), I do know this: in spite of our desire to believe that humans are frail, icky and prone to ugliness, there is abundant evidence to show that they are not.
Even on a day when one is not trying to recover from ugliness, it is possible to see the kindness and care that is extended our way. That 8th grader who sneaks into my math class once a day to say hello - I'm pretty sure he is cutting class, but whatever, I like our visits. That 6th grader who has faced ugliness that I can barely imagine, and yet still has a capacity for joy, hard work and hope - all the time. That boy of mine who calls from college to chat, share, be present and laugh. That other boy of mine who lives in my house, drives me where ever I want to go and is always open to conversation and fun - with everyone. That barber I love who makes time to be together even though we are both crazy busy. That art teacher I work with who has a father-in-law in hospice and still finds a way to kind, productive and funny with others. That neighbor of mine who always invites us over for fellowship. That sister of mine who stands up for what is right and good in the world. That guy who let me in the long line of traffic... The list is very long.
Ugliness exists in the world. It always has and always will. I am fortunate to only experience it occasionally and also very mildly. The ugliness of this week was tame compared to ugliness faced by women in other times, in other places and situations and of different races. This reality sat quite heavily with me.
But ugliness does not have be OUR story. It needn't define who we are and how we feel about others - even those who are ugly towards us. We can choose to be the remedy to ugliness - for ourselves and for others - by recognizing and naming the good we see in the world, by understanding that the ugliness is not often actually about us and by spreading our own flavor of kindness, bravery, appreciation and care to those around us who are also working for a less ugly world.
YES: to all of this.
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