Finding Patience (Again)

At the risk of sounding bratty, I will say that I am annoyed. I know what you're thinking - get over it, Nan! Trust me, I am thinking that, too.

My sense of annoyance comes from many sources. From mundane household chores (we have to fold laundry again?!) to the huge and crushing problems of racism and rising infection rates. From not seeing people to seeing them and wishing I could hide in the produce aisle. From being in my house all the time to finding that when I do go somewhere, I am almost immediately ready to come home. From people's opinions - especially those that are misinformed or just plain nuts - to remembering that it is the right of all of humans to have and share their opinions. From waiting for a Back to School that might never come. From wanting to be productive, but not really having the creativity or flow right now. The list is long. 

Years ago I enrolled in a mindfulness class. I was a flunkie and spent most the hour long classes making mental grocery lists and revising lessons. But I learned enough about mindfulness to know that it is important to notice and name how we are feeling. I notice that I am annoyed. Not just with others, but also with myself.

My annoyance with others and my annoyance with myself are interconnected. I am a typically a patient person when it comes to others. My parents dubbed me "the sweet and patient baby" and the name stuck for years. You need some extra time to finish that work? I got you! You need to sleep a little longer this morning? No problem! You're annoyed with me and need some space? No biggie - - I get it, I'm a lot! 

Given all the work there is to be done - the anti-racism work, the planning for a vastly different school year, the household chores and the care of others - I need my patience now more than ever. And now is when I seem to have the least access to it. 

Lest this become a lengthy pity party, I like to share some of the ways I have been able to move beyond these icky feelings to regain some of my patience, as I suspect that I am not the only person on the planet who is in a chronic state of annoyance and impatience.

Phone a friend. Earlier in the quarantine, I started weekly calls with my brilliant friend, Crystal. I have long admired the way she interacts with the world and leads the Philadelphia Learning Collaborative. She is super smart, but also super accessible. Our now month-slong project has generated ideas around school, outdoor living spaces, celebrating the successes of others, responding authentically to challenges and neighborhood engagement. Not bad for a few mornings on the phone. She has kept me in check when I needed it, offered compliments when I didn't see the good in something and provided innumerable laughs - all while doing "the work." 

Take a walk. We all need space and fitness. Walks have saved not just my life during the pandemic, but my life period. Big problems seem insurmountable - until you take a walk. Tricky professional situations, grief, divorce, financial stress, family frustrations - all of it is better after a good long walk. 

Be OK with impatience. Impatience with injustice is a good thing. It just is. I am impatient when it comes to progress and change, so I need to learn to straddle the line between patience and impatience better. 

The grandmother of my sons, who is also a very dear friend of mine, is the biggest fan of W.H. Auden there is. She quotes him to me often. He wrote:

“Laziness acknowledges the relation of the present to the past but ignores its relation to the future; impatience acknowledge its relation to the future but ignores its relation to the past; neither the lazy nor the impatient man, that is, accepts the present instant in its full reality and so cannot love his neighbour completely.” 

It would seem that loving my neighbor completely is the key to unlocking my annoyance. This is not surprising, given the long line of wise people who have recommended loving our neighbors. And the way to do that is to be present in the moment. Who knew mindfulness would be so spot on?

I assure you, I will feel annoyed later today - as soon as I realize how late it is in the day and I am still in my jammies. But I will also continue to remind myself of what matters - patience (with others and with myself) and a love for my neighbor that allows for them to have messy and differing opinions. These are the ways I have been able to manage problems in the past, they are the best solutions for the present and the only way we can envision and build a future that is just.