Are You Present?

 I have an unhealthy relationship with attendance. I come to school almost every day because I love school and I hate being absent.

It took me a long time to understand that people cannot be preset every day. Some of this understanding came from personal experiences. You can't be present when your offspring are home sick, when you have COVID, when your 18 year old kitty has a stroke, when your partner is having surgery, or when you're at your brother's funeral. Life does get in the way of school and maybe that's a good thing.

I have a mindfulness app that encourages me to "be present." The app seems to imply that if I breathe and notice, I am "present." While this may or may or be true, I interpret "present" as an active thing. Yes, I need to breathe and notice, but I also need to do stuff.

Being present is more than just being in the moment. It's knowing the plan for the day and the people who are needed to make the plan work. It's seeing who is in the room and what they need. It's about realizing what happened yesterday and last week and understanding how that will impact today and tomorrow. 

My brother, Benjamin, died on a Friday night in January. He was hilarious, creative, messy and glorious and when he was present with you, you felt it. He was the person who taught me that not everyone loves school - a radical idea! His 6th grade teacher yelled at him when his pencil fell off the desk and we forever vilified that man. Benjamin's experiences helped me to be more compassionate and to care more intentionally for the kids who don't want to be there.

In the days following his death, I went to school - what else does one do? I am not sure that we learned any math or how kind or unkind I was to kids - although I am certain that I didn't yell at anyone over a pencil. I was not really present - either in the way my mindfulness app suggests or in an active way that would allow me to breathe, notice and act.

I can't honestly remember the long list of people who were preset for me in those days. As an aside, if you've ever felt awkward or silly about telling someone you're sorry for their loss, don't. When you say those words and mean them, it makes a difference. And then there was the kid who gave me a donut and bottle of water saying "my mom told me about your brother." I try not cry at school, but that was an exception.

These people were present for me when I could barely show up. And it made me rethink attendance in general and being present in particular. While attendance is technically about showing up, there is the perennial hope that people will also be present. We want them to make eye contact, ask questions, share ideas and contribute to the community in some way. The problem with the word "present" is that it doesn't communicate this hope.

I love it that English evolves and a better word or phrase always emerges. "Here for that" communicates attendance, but also being present and participating in some way. Are you showing up to things excited and ready? I'm here for that. Are you showing up unsure and lacking confidence? I am here for that, too. Are you showing because your mom said you had to? No problem, I am also here for that.

I've come to prefer this interpretation of present - and not just because I am bad at mindfulness. It implies that you not only have a reason to show up, but also a willingness to engage with what might or might not happen. You're here for the good, the bad, the mystical, the funny, the mishaps, the joy, the sorrow - all of it.

The truth is we don't have much - if any - control over the the things that happen. Sure, we can plan, hope, dream and work for good, but things still go awry all the time. Being here for that is a way to accept what comes and who brings it. It allows us to lean into the messy as we search for solutions. Being here for that means we can laugh at the humor of things that go wrong, ask questions that lead to understanding, and embrace the things we don't understand. It means we know our role, but are willing to take on other roles in the interest of getting things done.

It helps if we can bring donuts and care to the people who need it, to not freak out when pencils fall off desks, to adapt to whatever happens, to be curious about what others bring to the experience, and to show compassion always. Being here for that is not always easy, but it makes a huge difference.