I like to help. It's an annoying feature of who I am - just ask those closest to me. For as many times as I hear "thanks, that would be great," I hear "I got this." Perhaps it's not a one to one ratio. I should probably count...
Practical help is the help I give best. In school, that's often sitting with a kid and helping them finish an assignment while we eat snacks. In life, it's shoveling the 90 year old neighbor's driveway or getting you some milk because you're out and I happen to be at the store.
Make no mistake. This does not make me special. I find that doing small jobs for others helps mitigate the glaring and heavy mistakes I make daily. I gain a lot by helping because it makes me feel useful - even when I know that a half gallon of chocolate milk isn't life changing for anyone.
In the last almost year, we've all had to learn ways to help from a distance. Sure I can still shovel and drop off groceries for you. I can even call or text when you're feeling icky, but I can't do the things that I've been used to for so many decades.
In virtual school, I can't come sit at your table to see where you are with understanding. I can't look at your work as you solve the problem to see where you are confused. I can't see on your face that you've had a bad day and I can't give you snacks. This is hard for me. Although, my snack budget is much smaller.
This week we did a project in class. I still have not hit the sweet spot for helping kids through virtual projects - although each time I get a little closer. Kids were making pixel art and finding the fractional part of each color. This helped us understand equivalency and combining fractions and kids made some very cool things.
In real school, I always have the steps and requirements for the project printed at tables so kids can go faster or slower, as needed. This is harder to do in virtual school, but for this project I offered a digital copy of the steps and was pleased that the kids who wanted to work faster than I was explaining could and did. In fact, some kids who I didn't think would use this tool did and used it effectively. In the end, they need just a map, not some person on a screen explaining what to do.
All this helped me to think about the purpose of help. Often times, we help because it feels good. There are biological and psychological benefits to helping others. But in our more honest moments, we can recognize that this is sometimes the biggest motivator. Helping makes us feel less guilty about our own shortcomings and gives us some perceived bonus points in the game of life.
But help - in order to be helpful - needs to be actually needed. This requires listening and observation. People tell us loudly what they need - even from a distance. It requires time and patience as we develop relationships that are trusting enough for us uncover what others really need. And it also requires the humility to know that our idea of help isn't always the most helpful.
This has been a hard lesson for me to learn - but also a really important one. Really listening - in the real sense or in the observational one - to what others need has helped me to provide better help. And reminding myself that help looks differently for all of us has been helpful, too. If I am to be truly helpful, and not superficially so, I need to provide the help that you actually need.
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